Humor

If all the cars in Vermont were laid end to end -- it would be Columbus day weekend.

Everything on this page is tongue and cheek. You have to have a good sense of humor to really get the most out of living in Vermont. So read on and laugh a little, it'll do you good. If you have somehow misplaced your sense of humor, well, that is the one thing even we can't really help you with please click your browser's back button now.

How to handle jokes

A diplomat was speaking to a large crowd at a public meeting in Abidjan, Ivory Coast, Africa. Out of respect for the audience, and for the interpreter, he spoke slowly. He also told some jokes, likewise very slowly. After each joke, he was amazed how the translator used only a few words to make the crowd roar with laughter.

Afterwards the diplomat asked the interpreter, "How did you manage to tell each joke so rapidly?"
"Oh, it's easy," said the interpreter. "I just said, 'He told a joke. Laugh!'"

You are in probably a Vermonter if:

You've taken your kids trick-or-treating during a blizzard.
You only own three spices- salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.
The local Hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
Making it home during Mud Season is a competitive sport.
You think everyone from the city has an accent.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snow-blower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday.
You head south to go to your cottage.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The town officials greet you on the street by your first name.
There is only one shopping plaza in in the area, and it's out of state.
The major parish fundraiser isn't bingo- its sausage making.
You find -20F a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots.
You can play road hockey on ice skates.
Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
You know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
You actually 'relate' to these jokes, and forward them to all your Northern friends.

Vermont Technical Glossary

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood
MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the firewood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When you're not careful gettin' the firewood
FLOPPY DISC: What you get from trying to carry too much firewood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the wintertime
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's blackfly season
BYTE: What those dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies for the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: What you did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ol' Dan Matrix's wife
LAPTOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the truck key
SOFTWARE: Them plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof
PORT: Fancy flatlander wine
ENTER: City talk for "C'mon in ya'll!"
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk for the rat hole

STUPID CRIMES & STUPID PEOPLE" (All true, and notice that none of these are from Vermont!)

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

Portsmouth, R.I.: Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.

The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it *because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time.* Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was written on a piece of paper and was placed on the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.